In true David Letterman fashion ...
If you have been following me on YouTube or social media, you probably know that I have undergone cervical spine surgery. As part of that delightful experience, I got to wear a fabulous cervical hard collar for more than a month.
Yes, siree Bob. It was the greatest thing ever.
In true David Letterman fashion, I compiled a Top 10 list. Except mine has 14 items because, apparently, neither cervical spine surgery nor I believe in doing anything the conventional way.
Here are my top 14 reasons why it is great to have to wear a cervical hard collar.
14. You get the best seating on Southwest Airlines
Show up at the airport in a cervical hard collar and ask to preboard. Nobody questions you.
Not the gate agent. Not the other passengers. Not one person sitting in the designated preboarding area wonders whether you genuinely need additional time to get onto the airplane.
The collar speaks for itself.
13. You may qualify for a disabled parking placard
A temporary disabled parking placard can give you access to parking spaces close to entrances, which is genuinely valuable when you are recovering from major surgery.
You may not be able to turn your head, lift much of anything, or walk very far comfortably, but at least you might get an excellent parking space.
12. You may get free metered parking
Depending on the laws where you live or visit, a disabled parking placard may allow you to park at certain public meters without paying.
Always check the local regulations first, but in some places, the combination of a cervical hard collar and parking placard comes with surprisingly good parking benefits.
11. You can nap anytime, anywhere
I attended a conference nine days after surgery. I paid someone to drive me because I was not permitted to drive, and by lunchtime, I was exhausted.
I sat down, put my head down, and slept for 15 or 20 minutes.
Nobody thought I was being antisocial or rude. They saw the collar and immediately understood: She just had surgery. She is recovering. Let her sleep.
It may be the only time in adult life when napping in public requires absolutely no explanation.
10. You have an excellent excuse to stay home and watch Netflix
Nobody expects you to socialize.
Nobody asks why you are still wearing pajamas at 4:00 in the afternoon. Nobody wonders why you declined an invitation. You can stay home, watch Netflix, and recover without feeling that you should be somewhere else.
There are no expectations that you will show up anywhere because you already showed up for spine surgery. That is enough.
9. You get to go shopping
Recovery requires supplies.
I bought three new sets of pajamas because I needed pajamas that buttoned down the front and had full-length legs for traveling to and from the hospital.
My infection-control instructions required me to change my sheets during each of the two nights before surgery, so I needed additional sets of sheets. Then there were medications, calamine lotion, wound-care products, and other recovery necessities.
Admittedly, shopping for surgical supplies is not quite the same as shopping for shoes, but it still counts.
8. People bring you chairs and carry things for you
At that same conference, I entered the room for the main event and discovered that it was standing room only. Twenty or 30 people were lined up against the walls, and I was beginning to wonder how I could possibly stay.
One of the organizers saw me, made eye contact, grabbed a chair, carried it several rows into the room, and asked someone to move over so I could sit down.
The woman who had driven me offered to get my lunch, dispose of my trash, and carry anything I needed. Other people volunteered to help too.
The collar is an extraordinarily effective, hands-free signal that says, “This person should not be carrying things.”
7. When you call something a pain in the neck, people believe you
You are no longer speaking figuratively.
If you say that a person, problem, or situation is a pain in your neck, nobody thinks you are exaggerating. You have documentary evidence attached to your body.
6. You are not allowed to do housekeeping
That is correct. You are absolutely not supposed to vacuum, scrub, change bedding, carry laundry baskets, or perform other strenuous household tasks.
My lifting limit was five pounds. That meant I could not carry in my own groceries. Even accepting a DoorDash delivery, carrying it into the kitchen, and unpacking it could exceed the limit.
Recovery gives you a physician-approved reason to leave the dust exactly where it is.
5. Some insurance plans provide transportation
Depending on your coverage, your insurance plan may provide transportation to and from medical appointments. Some plans contract with transportation companies, Uber, or Lyft.
After cervical spine surgery, your surgeon may prohibit you from driving for several weeks. A transportation benefit can make an enormous practical difference while you recover.
Check your individual insurance coverage because benefits and eligibility requirements vary.
4. Some insurance plans may provide in-home help
Some insurance plans or post-surgical programs may cover assistance in your home.
A helper might change your bedding, do laundry, prepare meals, clean, or complete other tasks that you cannot safely perform while you are recovering.
In other words, someone may come to your home and do many of the things you probably did not want to do in the first place.
Again, coverage varies, so contact your insurer or care team to learn what services may be available to you.
3. Leaving the house makes you a superhero
If you manage to leave your home wearing real clothes, makeup, earrings, and something resembling a hairstyle, people are amazed.
“Look at you!”
“You are doing so well!”
“I cannot believe you are already out!”
They think you are an absolute superhero simply because you put on clothing and appeared in public. Frankly, after cervical spine surgery, getting dressed and leaving the house can require a genuinely heroic amount of energy.
You might as well buy yourself a cape.
And what is a cape without a scepter?
2. You receive mandatory posture training
You will stand as straight as a Buckingham Palace guard.
You cannot slump. You cannot crane your neck forward. You cannot comfortably look down at your phone. The cervical hard collar holds your head in position whether you appreciate the posture correction or not.
Excellent posture is no longer a goal. It is compulsory.
1. You get to bedazzle it
The number one reason it is great to wear a cervical hard collar is that you get to bedazzle it.
Near the end of my four weeks in the collar, I had a formal gala to attend. I had a beautiful black dress, but the standard-issue surgical hard collar did not complement it.
So I pulled out my glue guns. Yes, I own six glue guns. I used to own eight or nine, but I cannot find the others.
I also retrieved my rhinestones and colored glitter glue. I own multiple glue guns because I have one for each color of glitter glue. Naturally.
Then I bedazzled my cervical hard collar.
At the gala, several people told me how much they loved it and complimented my attitude.
My philosophy was simple: When life hands you lemons, make lemon meringue pie.
A cervical hard collar is uncomfortable. Surgery is frightening, painful, exhausting, and disruptive. Recovery strips away independence and forces you to ask for help with things you normally take for granted.
Laughter truly is the best medicine.
We may not get to choose what happens to us, but we can decide how we respond. The beloved football coach Lou Holitz famously said, "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it." Sometimes that reaction includes rest, champagne themed pajamas, help from others, an excellent parking space, a superhero cape, and enough rhinestones to make a medical device gala-ready.
Important note: Follow your surgeon’s instructions regarding your collar and recovery. Benefits, parking privileges, transportation, and in-home assistance vary by location, insurer, medical need, and individual coverage. Do not alter a prescribed medical device without first confirming that doing so will not affect its function or your care.